The DoJoN Blog

Monday, August 30, 2004

Haiz... i've got alot to say in this post... so folks.... just bear with it ok ? ... well... the ironic thing is that... this situation is just as what i thought... i will be writing post that no one would actually read bah ... in the first place the response to my blog was still quite good....at that time... i thought i was wrong... however, when the school reopens... Wah La... that's what actually happen... nothing wrong about this... just saying for the say to. Initially i was also thinking of writing to myself only... arhg... who cares.~ Read or not... Beat it...

Ok.... enough of commenting and let's get started, this week is quite my busy week bah... although there is no datelines this week... however there are alot of events that i am participating in... well.. its pretty tired of course... but the main point is the process that took its place... it was really really enjoyable ... The CCN (Campus Care Network) day is one that is memorable... everyone was like... dun care liao ... just shout and shout to lure people to buy our stuffs...hahaha... in the end... we'd at least made some profit haha... what a accomplishment ... really... we came with nothing and we made some profit ... wooo.... well done class...!!!
Then after the day that is saturday... had to come back to school for the make up lesson... only 1 hour... hiaZ... sian... although i know that the UID paper is not going to be given back but there is still the presentation marks to be grabbed... right... ?... haha... "point face" aiya... studying is about how to score right... :X Then after that make up lesson i had to attend the sports day track and field event official... haha... it was very very hard in the afternoon... then the whole thing lasted for around 7 hours... I was being posted to help in the javelin part... helping the more senior official to measure the distance. I only can say that the TP athelics perform like..... hiaZ.... almost every event there were at the back of the list... hiaZ.... whatever... still had to salute them for their efforts for taking up the race... I was a little sun-burned as i was on the field... hiaZ... But it is all the SEAL points mah... so can only keep quiet bah ... haha... After the whole thing then bay and my friends were resting and we joke around, it was very fun too...
This sums up my consecative very tired day ... hiaZ... sian ... dunno why feel sian ...

Everytime when i had a feelings of things that i think it is, it always turn out to have the opposite outcome. I analyze for a while just now... and i felt that i am actually just a passer-by all the time in someone's life... whether is friends or foes.... I really wanted people to treat me as good as what i've treated them... but it just seems not happening i also dunno why... I can swear that i'd never mis treated my friends that i've known. I never turn down their request at all ... folks... just recall bah... when did i say a 'no' when you all had tell me a sentence that ends with a question mark? Then why are you all treat me or take me as a person who is a problem solver ? why? ... am i good to be used ?... am i too kind until you are take me for granted ? ... ask your concious bah... i really dunno... I dun wish to be just a passer-by ... i wanted to be someone important ... remembered... tell me how can i do it ? ... i will try my best to do it...
One more thing is that people always let me have the wrong idea one ... shouldn't have even started in the first place.... since it has taken place, i had always dream of... then i would always get the world's most cruel news of my life that is i am just nothing... just a "Lu Ren Jia". I really hope that someone would actually think back what i've done for him/her and probably regard me as someone important in their life bah...

Recently i've learn quite a lot of lesson regarding life... It sucks as all of us knows... however... i feel that if you dun think about anything when you saw something happen that is affecting you... just treat it very normally. Then you will not have this grudge or what when it is not what you would think it is. true? ... chim ?...
Forgive and forget is the best skill to equip with when you are out there... it is also skill that is the most difficult to have... try asking yourself... if you someone really offended you in anyway which hurts you most deeply, would you have a thought of forgiving?
When a person come in front of you to confront or confess to you, however, you do not wish that he/she is the one so you rejected him. And are you able to talk to him/her like old friends as usual ?... I guess not many of us are able to ... even if you are able to do so... what about the other party ? ... right ?
When you face troubles... friends or some really good buddies would they help ? ... They will give all sorts of excuses and disappears when you really need them. When they are facing some problems... and they apporaches you... will you help ? ... I would definetly help... cause i always hope for the better that is people will help me back... sad to say ... it hasn't been that all my life.

I really would like to ask this question ... is it my results that make all of you to be friends with me ?... Well... talking about results... the term test results. Other friends of mine holding a blog all post something regarding their results... I guess no one that knows me actually wants to know my results huh... so i will not mention much here liao. NOTE: when someone actually helps you in anyway and lets you achieve something... you should have at least give that person some creadits that he/she deserves especially when the person had made sacrifice.

I now began to felt that my friends made in year 1 had acutally grow up ... and think matured and do matured... well its a good thing cause now its my turn to look up to them liao ... They had really show how inmatured i am in the past days really... i'm quite regret of what i've done that time... for now... i'm sorry... to anyone who needs this from me... people that i've know in my first ever semester in school... i admit i am being childish at times during the days when we most of our breaks together. Hope you all would forgive me...

Back to the same topic that i would always say bah ... that is ... i really dunno when will i be getting someone i really like and at the same time that someone could accept me... maybe the answer is 'no chance'? Many people say that if you really like someone and you should wait till your chance is there... my response to that would be if you really wait till that long she/he might be with others already... however... i'm still waiting though... trying to hope for some miracle bah. Some also said that if the person is already with somebody...then its time for you to give up le... if you feel sad when there are info regarding him then forget him ... well... i dunno whether to agree with this...still thinking.

Then lastly i hope you all dun neglect me when we are together... i mean... dun talk amount yourself mah ... talk to me also...otherwise i will be very sian de... haha... nothing much to say le... i think during school days i will only update my blog once a week liao ... really quite busy handling school work... For those who had bad results for their term test dun give up dun be depressed strive hard in the projects and you will get better de... !
CiaoZ~!

"If i die, would anyone shed a tear for me?"

Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|7:45 AM|

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Just suddenly felt that i've somehow learn something from what i'm giving everyday lor... dun say that i always complain ... but in fact i'm just sharing my experiences with you all ... listen or not its up to you folks to decide liao ... so... i doesn't really matter to me in anyway.

Felt like being abandoned sometimes lah ... cause its like ... a weird feeling bah ... but i think its kind of stupid to think like that too... When you and your friend always does the same thing with you together ... and somehow there's one chance where your friend gets something or a task that doesn't involve you... then for me... i will have such a feeling of being outcasted but dunno why lah ... that's natural... then its like... erm... kind of bei song bah .... but never mind de lah ...its just of me being 'bu hui xiang'. Hhaha...i will be dead if that friend of mine saw this... hahaha

Then sometimes the gender oppostie me can be like very steady lor... maybe its of me thinking too much ... but ... still think i will say ... From talkable and apporachable become cannot talk and dun even know each other... so kind of stun.... dunno what to say liao ... just stun ... lor... and 1 more word to go with it... JUE! .... 绝 !! .... really ....speechless now... that's very rare of me ... k le.... study days can't write the long long post liao....
CiaoZ

"if i die, will anyone shed a tear for me ?"

Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|11:24 PM|

Saturday, August 21, 2004

As what the title has suggested, i'm a failure in doing the things i really want the most. Hiaz... i thought that i will be getting some outcome for my post eariler... but... hiAz... another sad one... nothing... and i mean nothing at ALL... can you dig that ? I dunno lah ... maybe the post is too long that cause some of them din even read. What should i do ? ... or what can i do ? ... I guess i only can simply sit down and pray bah... People were happily chatting, talking and teasing each other ... whereas i am just sitting alone at one little dark dark corner. Hiaz... people always say that i think too much liao ... but actaully i had a long and really deep thoughts about everything that is significant to me before i voice it out... Dunno why keep saying i think too much .... hiaZ...

Let's talk more about the result of my previous post bah... that's more interesting i feel. After a few days of waiting and some sort of things like that... I started to realise that people reading that were getting the whole idea wrong... that just ruined my "Yong Xin Liang Ku". Quite disappointed in myself and my friends cause they ain't really getting the message that i wanted them to. As for myself, i blame myself for not writing that good enough to pass the message loud and clear. What to do ? .. i am that sucky. Until now... i am still abit depressed over the effort that i have given and nothing back for me... why ... i am still asking this question to myself... dunno when it will stop ... hiaZ... Hope 1 day they realise bah ... but i think when the day comes... i'm already in the coffin liao ... hiaZ...felt so sian when think of being kicked out of their group hiaZ....

Over the few days can hardly write ... cause a lot of things to do liao lor... sian man!! But actually think back hor... haha... din really feel that sian lah... cause helping people mah ... help people should be happy.... right....hmmm.... guess so... Sometimes i felt that writing things here may be some time wasting effort ... cause its like ermmm... write liao people also boh chap kind of feeling to me... hiaZ... I had lots of feelings in me man ... but dunno what is what... all mixed up sia... what the .... hiaZ... Well before i go... i just wanted to say : "sometimes what you want or feel isn't what it is really all about".
So... think about it and maybe you will get what i am trying to say bah. I hope it wasn't the case for me certainly though...really hope the best would come to me... but i doubt so when the real truth comes... haha... but what to do ... still have to face it lor... if not... what... I think i just have to live it with my life until something that happened prevent me from doing so...
CiaoZ

"If i die, would anyone shed a tear for me?"
Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|6:53 PM|

Friday, August 13, 2004

Haiz.... Why am i always failing in whatever i do in life ?... whatever i've done is wrong ... whatever i do is not the way i thought it was... everything just seems to be oppposing me... !!! How i wish i could just die tomolo when i was in my bed and be able to run away from all those sorrows that i had to bear with... that would be a very nice way out for me... I dunno what have i ever done wrong in my whole life that cause me that ... i had always been kind to everyone... even when i scold people... it was either i'm joking or i just wanted good for you and nothing else... and yet people still find me a shit man ... yeah... shit man!.... I can never be good in anyones eye... i am always either a person that carries 'arragonace' or just someone who is cheap and useless. I just can't find anything that i've done so far that i'm satisfied and had the outcome that i wanted... NO....! not at all... my life has been sucky and i've mentioned it upteen times...

I'm in a very bad, lousy mood now... so i dun care whether i've offended anyone in this post... i dun care... I used to be a bad person in secondary school, because my results are poor... and i just dun have a good phyiscal outlook to make me look good in class... So i just dun care about the others... whether you have or not a good result... or you understand this topic or not... i just dun care... The 'O'Levels exam buck me up, i suddenly felt that i couldn't live my life likes this anymore.... I cannot let the others look down on me... i already dun have a convincing outlook... i cannot be academically crippled also... i had to prove the others wrong.!!! I HAD TO!!!!!!!!!! So... i manage to get a quite ok result or aggregate in the end... mostly thanks to my wonderful tutor... grateful to her... I thought it was a complete turn around for my life... i am no longer academic handicap... i am able to study.... During the 6 months holiday... i worked the hell out of me... and only managed to get a new handphone which is the one i'm carrying now... then i was so tired out by the job i had and i suddenly i felt that it has been a long time since i study liao ... so i had this interest in studying when the poly opens... I really pia so hard that i didn't quite join all those activities that my groups of friends had... i had this message keep running in my head that tells me to study and prove to the others that i am capable... i am good.. i am being respected... So... after the term test.. my results proves it all... but i guess people doesn't felt it that way... people just feel that i am just an ordinary guy that is able to study... not outstanding enough...
Well, the worst has yet to come. Those quite realistic people just willing to receive efforts from people and not willing to give ... i dunno the right way to phrase that ... but... who carEs!~ After the term test, there is a project that is needed to be done... so ... i just wanted to among the first.. so i chiong the project all the way... because at that time... i was still quite fresh about programming... so lots of logic wasn't there... so the kind sankara just give away all the required methods to complete the assignment... Then gratefully, i finished the assignment very early... and i was quite excited ( partly because i thought i will be able to show-off abit ) and i told the friends about it and all was like..." WAh... so fast... eh ... i dunno leh... can teach me anot? " ..." After school you free ? ... can stay back awhile? ... can teach me '*a*a' ? " As usual, i didn't hesitate to have agreed... so i was very or i would say damn kind to help people whom i wasn't quite farmilar with at that time. The whole group of people stay back and do the assignment, some where very keen for my help... some was very stubborn... refused to accept my help but in the end still does...
I can still remember clearly... This lab... only us... then everyone was on 1 computer... i walk around and help people who called me... after i was called... i sat down... and looked at the codes that was having errors... like i've mentioned just now...i was new to programming... so i had to look longer to figure what's going wrong... Then ... i was so kind that even now i am starting to say that i'm stupid... after i got the solutions for the answer... i would ask... " do you want me to tell you the answer striaght away or you want to understand the logic behind this method and do it yourself?" Then most people would somehow choose the 2nd choice. So i took all the patients i had and slowly tell them and explain to them... Well.. but... I admit that i abit too harsh that time... cause i wasn't that matured yet.... couldn't control... so for that... i am sorry...! However... ,another 180 degrees turn, i was taking examples that will be very easy to undertand and perhaps the people would be able to laugh at least... so i think that would help them somehow to be able to remember what i've said better.... so kind of me when i think back now...
Like what i have said just now... some doens't want my help... but i still offer my help as far as possible ... i help to the limit that they can accept... I dunwan to help them fully .. cause i dunwan them to blame me for telling them too much of the answers and cause that not to had this experience of doing the thing and eventually failed... underStand ? So this kind of staying back thingy took place for about quite a few days... Maybe i should refresh you folks memory... i had already finished mine. So up to this stage... i already had done as far as what i am able and should do as a responsible, caring, good, kind and steady friend liao... i dunno what i haven done as a friend for them liao ... If there is... pls tell me!...
Then i was sooooo in dispair when i was in sem 2 year 1... all the friends suddenly kind of bo chap me liao ... its either they found someone who they can rely on liao or they had their foundation built by me for that subject and can fly with the hard grown wings... and just kick me aside... i'm not trying to say that they are ungrateful of my contirbutions or what althought they somehow did... its just that... they are able to just forget about this person called "Yao" that had actually done something for them with all the efforts when they were first in the
tertiary education ... i thought i would be a person that has deep impression in their mind and whatever they are going to have they would at least think of me... well... i have an answer for myslef... that is: FAT HOPE! ... ya... that's the answer i get from them... i was being treated like someone who is not able to be social with them... but just an aswering machine... " CALL and there FOR YOU" is a slogan for machine like that i would say... They could just leave me alone there and dun give a damn about me... then ... i dun like it when i actually have got to ask people to care about my well-being and not getting some care automatically... i myself is not someone who is like that... my tutor above... help me get thru 'O's smoothly... i am really grateful to her... i had always respect her. I still kept in contact with her now even though i dun need her tutoring anymore... i want to let her know that i'm grateful to her and i will do as much as i can if she needed my help... that's the way i am looking for when you are to treat someone who has put in effort for you when you most needed it... Unfortunatly... that's not the case... hiAz....
Then after much much thoughts... i think i am giving up liao .... so i tried the other way... i am thinking... since people do not take the initiative to talk to you... then i shall be the one to take the first step, I tried all kinds of way to make interact when them... but... in the end its another sad ending... i've failed...

::MAIN POINT!::
Here's what i've done... i write a long passage about them i think its extraordinary long i supposed then i was hoping that i might get a reply or something... because... i saw the other person that has wrote something too and that person more forunate than i am got a reply within less that half a month... Well... for me... its almost...4 months... and i think you folks reading this got it already... its another sad one... no..... I dunno why am i so foolish to acutally give all my efforts in the begining and then to be suffering now...such a fool huh... ya... i am... I dunno what's so annoying about me also, so much that people just dun had me in their mind... hiaZ... I'm such a failure... So there... learn a lesson... next time... help people... dun expect to get anything back ... to avoid being hurt again ... and again... i will still help people when they are in need... but i won't had so much imagination that i would get something back liao... i wanted to help people is that i dunwan to see people that are suffering and they are just being sacrificed for me grudges for not having any pay back...
Back to my story... i can do things for them and they just could turn their back on me for something that i myself wouldn't considered seruios at all well the thing i mentioned there is the thing that is in my long post. I am quite scare of making friends liao ... cause its all about the backstabing... i got backstab for many many times liao ... countless... the wound is getting deeping... and it certianly hurt alot...

I hate this kind of thing lor... i had to actually ask something from people when they are not even willing to do that... get what i mean ?...For example: to ask people to console you when obvious you are sad and you need some ? ... Its not from the heart... i dunwan...
I think i just have to admit it bah... my life sucks... "Wu Jiu Shi Zhe Yang Bu Tao Ran Xin Huan" what more can i ask for whatever i've done is like nothing... i really hate my life man... Really feel a pity for not able to be close friends with those i've really put in effort to help... anyway... saying is saying bah... CiaoZ..

"If i die, would anyone shed a tear for me??"

Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|10:56 PM|

Thursday, August 12, 2004

This few days quite busy man ... can hardly write anything here... too busy liao ... too much things to do... I mean... if my task is finished in the Earth... then i think i should be going liaoZ... to where ? ... i dunno also... life acutally sucks by the way to you people who is going to read this... cause the moment where you life actually starts... there are already tons and tons of problems waiting for you liaoZ... its just the matter of are you going to face it and how well you can handle and solve them as well. So it just sucks ain't it?
Perhaps people doesn't realised that the problems are endless... 1 after another... i won't say about examples liao ... cause there are too many liaoZ... however... hmm... thought of 1 that maybe i can share though....let's talk about you people who will be reading this...so 1 of you people's problems would be having to read my blog and headache of what to say or what not to say... ironic eh ?.... hahaha...

Like what people would always says... smile and live strong... everyday you are having problems how are you going to live happy ?... strong... maybe... that depends on your own personality ... well the bottomline is that : "LIFE SUCKS".... it can never be good and you dun have anything at all to bother about. even some little things like what you have to eat during lunch , dinner or what... its something that's bothering you liao ... why can't human beings just live without that much bother like the amount we had now... why ?... hiaZ... what the hell right ? ... tell you all what... i will not change my view of life being sucky for my whole entire life... unless there is someone special to me and able to change that mindset of mine bah.... hhaha... i will just stop here liao... CiaoZ

Question: You all like my post to be long and you can read happily or you all like it to be shorter? ...

Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|12:04 AM|

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Today basically, i just do nothing at all lor... initially want to do something with my friend but he say that he is not feeling well, so cannot come lor... hiaZ... sian. Dunno why national day my relative comes to my house and celebrate sia... bought all the food for lunch and it wasn't very nice also. The children there was like ... RUDE ? They just simply do everything as what they like to... really treat my house as theirs... lol... Play my playstation 2 without asking me, come to my room without knocking. hiaZ... KIdS> Wooo... when i was at their age, i remember clearly i was anything similar to them at all lor... dunno why the kids nowadays so "Mu Wu Zhun Zhang". Should really ask their parent and teach them abit. I couldn't really join them to play bah ... the age gap, moreover, we just meet once a year nia... during the chinese new year only. My relationship with my relative is not very good though... I had cousins that is 10+ years older than me and my niece got married and i'm still studying... haha... its called generation gap... hahah... sometimes thinking of my niece who got married... then i feel a bit like lost or depressed. I was thinking: "I'm the 'uncle' and i am still study when my niece actually married". HiaZ... dunno why my family group is like that...

Speaking about uncle... wah ... recalled 1 incident. Here it goes... 1 fine sunday, when i was playing my game in the living room. During that time, my flat was conducting a show flat exhitbiton, so people rushed down like they have not seen a flat in decades. The carpark was jamed like hell. Then 2 Aunties came outside my house trying to lure my attention to them, however i just somehow boh chap them cause i dun like to talk or even listen to what a strangers will be saying to me. So i continued my game, then i heard a voice calling "Uncle" from the door of my house. Then i turn around to see out of curiousity, then when i saw the 2 Aunties were looking at me... i stood up trying to catch what they are gonna say. And they called me 'Uncle' again and ask me whether they could come into my house to see the layout. Then i was so fuming and i just ignore them lor... then felt abit guilty and then go to my mother and tell her the whole story... then i follow my mother to the door and i shouted..." Neh, Zhe 2 Ge 'Aunties' Yao Gan Wo Men De Wu Zi Lor". .. haha... had my revenge liao ... song...! I look old meh ? ... come'on man still in my 1st stage teenagers year hor... hahaha... i dun mind people calling me that when i am old enough to be called that mah ... but now to early liao ... way tooooo early... cannot tahan man...!!!

Today also a not happy day for me...really spoils everything bah ... alot of people din online today sia.. dunno all go where liao ... maybe all go and catch the NDP bah... So i was alone all the while lor... hiaZ... dun intend to start my projects now bah... trying to feel shiok to play game all the day and sleep till very late... no fan nao in mind... but still can't bah... there are still the old fan nao that keeps bothering me. alot of things bah .... relationship thingy, projects, friendships... ARHG.... alot of things lahZ... dun think will be able to settle all lor... give me 100 years.... also cannot solve... I dunno how to solve leh... hiaZ... feel so lonely everyday... Xun Yao Ta De Shi Hou Ta Bu Zai. wah lau.... sian...

Dunno how to carry on life ... really dunno... people say i god... hiaZ.... but i dunno how to solve the questions for myself... only know how to solve for others.... so irony.... life sucks.! LIFE REALLY REALLY SUCKS!!! come to this world and be tortured by problems and problems... Forget it lah ... cannot change... superman also cannot help me... Jiu Rang Wo Zhi Shen Zhi Mie Bah.... "See Le Dou Mei You Ren Guan"... :( CiaoZ... :(

"If i die... would anyone actually drop a tear for me?"

Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|12:48 AM|

Monday, August 09, 2004

Told you all liao... this is "My Everyday Sad Life" not trying act or what... its just that i am sad lor... everything for me is not shun at all... Dun wish to hide my feelings... but i have to... dun want to be the destroyer... but i have to.... hiaZ... what am i thinking... why is it like that... just asking question to myself...haha...
People always say that, if you like somebody, it doesn't really matter whether she is happy with you or somebody else...as long as she is happy... well... in the begining, i believe that as well... but after having some real life experience, sad to say... i've to rule that out... How could you possibly be happy when you saw them together and you are not the one she is having joy with ?... if you think you will be able to... i'll have to say that you are just deceiving yourself... now wake up!...
However, i am not tell those people to go ahead and build up the hatred to the one you like. What i really want to say is that its ok to be friends again if you failed to jio her. But dun say that nvm bah... as long as she is happy can liao... dun act "Xiao Sa" lor... when you are being rejected in the first place... it just like a thousand pounds weight to pull your confidence down. So how can you fight another battle with just half the strength ?... 1 rejection is enough to make you fall forever and ever. That's why i still didn't made my first move for this war. There are targets for sure unless i'm a gay... which i'm not you see... But its really a torture to so-called "Kan De Dao, Shi Bu Dao" Looking at myself... "Wo You Shen Me Tiao Jian Qu Xi Huan Ren Jia" so better to bear the "Tong Ku" myself lor... saying out some sad things for me would not help at all. Still very sad after telling out to some listening ears.

Some people may say, being rejected also never mind ... people got bf liao ...also never mind... we are young man... still got a long way... To certain extends this is true... but for me, i dun wish to build up my own family when i'm in my 30s... or even 28s . My target is to build it up before my 30s lor... i mean you wouldn't want to be called Uncle when you just have your first child in your 30+ near 40 bah ... surely not right ?... so if now's not the right time to build the foundation of the love thingy. when would be ? ... fact the reality lah ... Buds...Friends.... if you couldn't find your partner now or maybe a couple of years later, there will be nothing more to say in the future years liao lor... not that i am saying that you should be in a relationship now... but at least you found someone who you like and like you too... and may not need to be like seeing other everyday or what... just be a more understand partner, maybe just see each other for once a week or 2 ? that's enough liao right ?...still studying... shouldn't really neglect your studies mah... I've got a real life friend who is like that... who ? ... i'm not telling ... They just meet once a week lor... although they were in the same school... they dun even meet up when both of their breaks are together... I salute to them, their understanding, their trust, their commitment. HalT~!

As you all can see... i dun really mention 'love' this or who... love is a too serious word to describe what i'm pursueing about. I dun believe that you can acutally "LOVE" someone when you just talk to her for 1 or 2 weeks.... for me... "LOVE" someone is built up when you are really having a relationship with someone that you like though. But i am confident enough that i will love that somebody of my after if we were together which is just a dream... la la la......

I really need someone to care about me sia... i feel so lonely at night.... in the morening... and even when i'm sleeping. Where to find ? ... My Eye Light (Yan Guang) is too good liao mah... like this one then attached... take quite long to force myself to like another... then she is already aimed. Everytime everyday doing stuffs alone... even my friends can't bother much about me... i guess it was the incident mention in my previous post before this bah... HiaZ... Life's so tough for me... how i wish i could just end it right now... "Kuai Le Shi Duan Zhan De, Tong Ku Shi Yong Jiu De" true? i'm like that lor... my fun is only tempolary when i'm playing games lor... You see me laughing joking and all that in person... i'm sad all the while actually, its just that i dun like to put it on my face and let the others come and questioned me just out of curiosity more than care and concern. Sometimes was telling myself... if the person really attached... then dun bother to think about him/her liao... especially for the case in the girls' perspective. Here's how it goes... dun you think you " Tai Pian Yi Le" that person if he broke up with the old one and right after he can get you again ?... think about it... if the person really choices you and it also shows that he is nothing but a jerk..."Jian Yi Ge Ai Yi Ge" kind of playboy lor... be happy if the guy is not.. then wish him happy and let go. Can someone teach me how to go about asking girl to go steady ? ... i need some tips...still trying to build up confidence to give my first attemps... but i can feel that... the success rate will be only about 5% bah...

People also say life is full of obstacles... you just have to face it and go ahead... for me... Life is just coming out to this world and trying to break away obstacles that is in front of you and move on to the next one... so i would rather end in now and need not to worry much liao ... i can't see how happy i will be in the futher when behind the future is all the saddest things on the earth... not hysically but mentally.

Question: If i am thinner, would you accept me ? //stupid question, i'm not good looking.

Hiaz... write quite alot liao ... but yesterday longer... haha... :( k le... CiaoZ !

Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|2:05 AM|

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Sometimes when you are very happy ... its because you encounter someone who is very good to you and you have a very blessed or a feeling of happiness or like what we always say "Xin Fu". As for me... i hope i can be "Xin Fu" for everyday or even for a day i am very happy liao ... but... i think that's not gonna happen for my case. Well... as for the reason... it is due to my physical outlook i supposed, who in the hell would like that huh? ....
Probably, some of you may say that: " Girl nowadays doesn't go for looks liao ... you see most of the chio girls' boyfriend also not very good looking." I've got something to say here... i think i have already told some of you liao, that is: "Hello... The real thing is that, girls only will try to understand you when you have a good physical outlook ya ?" I mean, come'on lah people... especially for guys, if you are not good looking or in anyway 'shun yan' to the girl hor... how could you expect her to understand you more and perhaps give you a chance leh ? ... And the cruel thing is that, even if they do understand you further, when you really have the courage or anything to boost you, telling the girl you like her, the answer will be most likely "no" why? ... Here's the solution, (I'm truly sorry for any girls to read this but... it has absolutely no intention of offending anyone. If you do... my apologise)
1) the girl maybe attached and has no intention of breaking up with old to get new;
2) the girl feel that you are not good enough to meet their standards;
3) even though the girl told you that she can accept anyone if she feels right, but the natural fact is that she feels that you are not up to her standard or she just doesn't like you in anyway.
4) I think this is the most hurting one; she hates you... and feels that: "Why are you here in this world ?".

From the above point i've stated... some i have personally experience them. Well, but actually... i didn't really ask a girl personally before... but... that's all the possible outcome if i were to ask for my case at least... i am quite sure that people like me feels the same way.

Hmm... remember something. I also have heard people telling me that: "even your physical is not outstanding, but you still have you strong points... like your studies". Hahahaa.... what a joke... ("no offence to the person whom told me this, if you remembered who you are") Ya... in fact, when i was in sec 4, i thought it was like that. What the truth is, NO... N , O NO! How can your result let someone be touched by you? ... come'on... hiaZ.... Why am i just pointing fingers at the girls and not the boys? .... erm... i am not bias ... the reason is that... a girl is more unlikely to go and ask a guy to steady compared a guy asking a girl... right ?... agree ?... and if a girl really asked a guy, there would be a little stupid if the guy rejects right? ... unless there is a very strong and powerful reason to backup... understood ?... -_-'

I guessed by now... you folks reading this would feel offended right ?... but, i can't care much liao ... i feel that there is a need for me to write out what am i thinking... so ... sorry for those who felt offended. Sometimes i feel that i am that annoying in such a way that people would not be happy with me and not even tell me and then go home and built up the hatred in themselves and suddenly brust it out of the blue and poor me... has to bear the consequences for that... without a reason... personally, i felt that if you are not happy with me... you could have just spoke to me in anyway also can and try to resolve the problems you had with me and let's just live happier for that particular moment... but i just can't understand why other's just couldn't do or even understand this simpler logic ? ... is it that difficult to understand or its just that they just wanted to break ties with me earlier? ... well if i'd know... i would not be in such a state now... People also tend to have secrets within ... although they say ... you are with us... but, there will be something that should have been told to you but sad to say... have not... So i found that people tends to have secrets within and it sometimes made me very disappointed. I am not saying that people who knows me have to tell me all your secrets. I am just trying to say that if you were to say something that i do not know, you should have told me the whole thing. Otherwise, i think you shouldn't had even let me hear part of that... get what i mean ? ... In short: " if you dun wish to let me know something... you had better dun let me know that such thing actually exist, and if i know bits of the things that i didn't know... you should tell me...".

There was once i remember... i was being demoted or what till that i couldn't even asked what had happened or where did some others had gone to do some of the activties. That time when i asked, the reply i got was: " why you want to know? " ... LOST, was the word i think is the best one to describe that kind of feeling... you feel so... erm...behind ... or something... They were the ones who said ' what are friends for..." and on the other hands, the "demolish it" contredicting right? ... or should i say ironic ? you decide. When you have a very curious and innocent feeling when asking somebody things and they just give you that reply. Its somehow to me, a declaration of breaking or margine something between you and them...

Haha... suddenly thought of something really funny... and i think this is the cause that actually made out some of the points i've stated above... hahaha... Here it goes, i think quite a lot of people know it liao... but i just not gonna pin point at somebody. There was a quite important decision for me to make at that time, and in the begining i didn't really gave much thought over that made it. And after that, i just was joking and not really bother about what i say to people that: " be sure of what you are choosing". Then after the result was out, i had this sudden thought of the importance of the decision. So by the time, i really gave a very deep thought over it and finally i decide to switch the choice i've made and granted. Then i went to ask for comments from some friends over the switch that i intended to make... At that moment... its was still fine... and after i'd my dinner... ,for your folks info, it was on the same day, my friends just turn their back on me and then say that i was not being respectful for if i do the switch ... hahaha.... this part was funny for me... hahaha.... that day i didn't really realised the anger people had on me...( i think some of you may have some question marks ???? ... read on) and the next day... i meet them... and they just ignore me even when i talk to them... for my thinking... "Alright lor... nvm". By then i thought it would be only in among ourselves... but surprisingly, the next day... almost the whole world knows about it... and i really dunno what in the blue hell were they not happy for. Then after that... we do the usual stuffs of going for breaks together... for the1 day after the grugdes, i am totally ignored throughout the whole meal time... then i thought...maybe i should not be in the group lor... and accompany with this thought came another think of assumption, which is that the others in the group may feel that i am important and might follow me for breaks and trying to be with me ? ... FAT HOPE!!! would be a very good phrase to reply me... like i have written in the previous post, i've been alone for almost all the breaks after some thing which i dun really know happened... After sometime, i asked reluctantly what happened and why all my friends had followed the ones that are not happy with me.
Be ready this is real funny... They say that those guys who was not happy with me is that they are not happy that i've made a switch... LOL....real loud!!! the switch decides my fate and not the blue hell would affect them in anyway... so ? ... funny ?... i guessed so... :) LMAO!!! So after this... really no one had come to me or even trying to find me and have a good chat or a meal with me during the breaks. All had followed them... and that gives me a feeling of i am the one who is wrong and should be alone ... "Huo Gai!" And i am so worked up and i confronted those who doesn't support me when i actually had high expectation that they would. They are the ones who are real important friends i consider.... but they had largely disappointed me... Helped them when they needed... but... hiaZ... ( REally no offence... just writing) then i feel so lonely in school or so... whatever... Well ... who says good results would bring faith? ... So after that so-called incident, friends ties with the first group of friends known in poly were weaken till so..... WEAK.... dun talk as usual... and i dun really know what's going on with them nowadays... that was really down sukup down in life. But... the bright side of it is that ... i've gone over it... i've fought this battle... alone... and although i have lost... i still survive... good news arh ?... well... that's nothing to me... what gonez is gonez... really sad that friends didn't make it with me... dunno whether my effort made in the first round has been thrashed or what... real davastating.

So now i just want to live my life a usual ... dun wish to have something similar to happen again... and i am not afraid to die... die so what? ... can even throw away what's bothering you all the time... no one actually cares what... right... All of you always says... i got something that is positive to what i've always said, its just that i didn't realised it or its yet to come... but what's the point if it was like this... what i wanted is what i feel and see now... and what's coming is not predictable and its always the bad side for me ... so no point wait for something that is very unlikely to be comeing true of ? ... that just made a fool out of myself in the end. say what ever you all want bah... after reading... comment this post would do a better job than putting them in the tag board... I've written so long liaoZ... dun wish to carry on ... CiaoZ.

P.S Dun feel offended for anything that i've wrote that makes you mad...its just writties... if you really do ... i'm truly sorry for that.... SOrry!...

Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|2:33 AM|

Saturday, August 07, 2004

I am very blur now ... i dunno whether things have been what i am thinking. Personally, i dun wish things to happen as what i am thinking for sure. Sometimes, i am happy about something that i am foreseeing to come, but then ... when the thing comes, it usually have the opposite outcome. whY...? ... i dun think i need to say this again. Dun quite understand what i am trying to say ? ... For example: Tomolo i am suppose to go out with some friends to play or something, so i am very excited and feel good about the outing tomolo. So here comes tomolo, when i go for the outing, something would definitely spoiled the mood of the whole outing... so i'll be thinking like, this totally burst my mood for this outing liao... HaiZ...

I am quite sensitive and really bother about what the other people treat me as ... cause i mean, if this is only a 1-way giving process... then i will feel very ungrateful for... and this happens way lots of time since i'm in poly liao ... well... during sec... my results flop... so nobody would even intent to seek for my help... Well... hiaz... again... I can see absolutely nothing for me to be happy for... And for this many years of experience for encouting various people, i found out that everyone around you is wearing a mask when talking to you... all the time. Well... i am just sharing my view... so folks... dun get worked up pls... if you felt offended... my apologists... Let me continue... they talk to you and show that they are very friendly and all that... however... who knows? ... they might just stabbed you in the back where it hurt the most... I have been hurt a few times... well... it really hurts... try it if you dun believe... I think i begin to have skin that is "Dao Chiang Bu Ru" liao... go ahead and backstab me bah ... Lai Lai ...

Poly life is really like a guessing game sia... if you guess wrong hor... then you end up like me. Hurts... then no one cares at all... moreover... i look like that hor... even if i die... not even one would actually comes to me one lah ... shuaX.... Dunno why leh ... hiaz... i also dunno how to explain... I also cannot say everything here ... later others read liao ... then they know i am refering to who who who who... then all come and find me and confront.... then i will be flooded with saliva...hiaZ... Dunno when then i can find someone then i can really trust until .... you know ... HaiZZZ... Can someone actually help me ? ... Where is that person...!! ... Dun wish to live alone for ever...!!! Hiaz... k le... Term test over liao, i also feel nothing sia... dunno why... first time like that... just carry on life... until there is a chance to go.... kk...

Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|3:20 PM|

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Let me just start off today's post with the paper had today bah ... as all of you know... its AMMD...
For me... its still a quite ok paper... know all the questions' answers.. haha... cocky right... well can't be bothered.

Today i think throught all the things that happens in poly, as to me... poly life's would be much much more sensible than those in sec or pri. Then i suddenly feel so depressed about the things that happened throughtout... HiaZ... like the what my horoscope had said... i dun like to be accused or something that i did not do lor...
I just hate that man... then like all the people that will be reading this... i like a girl but she has a BF liao... very close somemore... hiaZ... i just dunno how am i gonna get somebody to go steady with... cause its like... erm... whoever i like or admire, she is either attached or she is already aimed by some other person liao... see ?.... dunno is my "Yan Guang" good or what sia... or am i just be fated to be bachelor leh ? ... i dunno... quite phobia to be one actually...scare to be lonely... as ever... well... i dunno yet.. maybe i can't even live to 30 years... i rather that happens if i am gonna be one lonely guy...

Wanted to buy Mp3 player cause my MD spoils, only can playback but cannot record liao ... But dun have enough money leh... i want to learn car and buy things i wanted... how to ? ... find job... where got job so nice... let you work little hour then give good pay ... hiaZ... holiday want to find job also no 'lobangs' ... see? ... folks... till now i am having such a suay life.... hiaZ...
Anyway... CiaOz.

Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|5:39 PM|

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Sadness is the only word i can or must use it now to describe my feelings now... Just found out some news that i would never ever wished to know... (Like i always says... can't really say the 'real' thing out, cause i will still need some privacy here too...) maybe the news spreading to me wasn't intentional at all... or maybe it was... who knowS? I dun wish to make anyone sad though. I hate to do things that makes people cry... this statment may bring some "Bu Yao Lian" remarks cause some may think my "Mei Li" is not that powerful. Well whatever lah... moreover, Who in the Blue Hell CARES?

Really hate to have such a feeling man ... last time have liao ... then was so sian throughout around 2 to 3 months... hiaZ... why why why ? Why must the history repeat itself again leh ? ... Lao Tian is really unfair man, "Mei Chi Dou Shi Wo Shou Jiu De". Sian lor... Hiaz... Dunno why am i born like that or what man. I am in the world of unfairness to me only lor... Below is my story of unfairness since i was born in Apr:

1) when i was in primary school, i was in the last class of the all the way to PSLE. My result sucks... 204.
2) Follow up, i got into a sucking secondary school which has a compound taking the shape of 'L'.
3) I got bad name during the first 2 years, flunk my first test there.
4) When i was in sec 3, got to know that i was the last batch to study old books.
5) During the same year, i qurrallel with my officer and quit my st.john when i was doing good inside. And gonez for my CCA points which s apporaching A1.
6) 'O' Levels, I flunk my english when i actually passed in prelim, and got me a 17 aggregate. And it cause me not to go into JC.
7) All the courses i consider were already taken up by my brothers, so i have to go to some where else which i dun like very much. That's IT.
8) In IT, made some friends in poly, and was going fine all along. Until something stupid happened and it was from someone who is 2 years older than me. Qurrallel with him and then make me all alone in the breaks i had in year 1 sem 2. Torturing!
9) Now, got to know more friends, and the new friends... still ok at the moment... however, who knows? ... Found out something that is hurting to me...
10) I bet there's many many more still to come yet... so can see....

So like i say... i dunno why am i in such a disaterious world or why am i having such a suking life? ARHG!...
Tell you want i'm always thinking of, when there's a predictable chance for you to leave this world. Dun hesitate. For me... if i'm crossing the road, and the car happens to be too close to me... i won't run... just let it hit me... so i won't have so much troubles to bother me anymore... I'm not encourage you all to die, but just sharing some thoughts. I really wants to learn music(Guitar), but i wasn't that lucky to have friends that are around me playing with music and willing to teach me... I do compose songs though... but no instrument to actually record them... So... till now what i'm writing is still something suay about me... Dun worry, if 1 day i actually die... dun cry.... Be Happy for me for living this Stupid life of mine... "Life's a Struggle" ....

Wants to share with you all my horoscope sayings:

(Taurus)

You are generally quiet and have control over your emotions. It is difficult to predict what will upset you, so when you do lose your cool, people don’t know how to react. Your temper is like that of a raging bull, and anyone trying to pacify you will be the first one to get a verbal bashing. You generally get upset when you are concerned or when people accuse you of doing something wrong. You also hate being reminded about mistakes you’ve made in the past. You also have the potential to be terribly vindictive if rubbed the wrong way.

Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|10:01 PM|

Today the paper is very easy man... very fast finish liao ... haha... everybody was waiting for the first half an hour to be up... haha... first time in my school life sia... the paper was not as hard as expected... Well but going out too early gives me some kind of guilt actually, dunno why lah... just that kind of weird feeling.

HiaZ... hope this paper can score lor... the question and definition all memorize until rot liao... haha... next is AMMD liao ... must chiong chiong..... 2 more paper to go... AMMD still ok to me... diff one is the MBDP... hiaZ... scared...

Yao~

Yao~ Ciaoz
|5:17 PM|

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

WAH LAU~~!!! Today the MMPG paper i go and do all the 3 question for the section B when i only need to do 2 of them... ARHG!!!!!!! Siao liao lah.. Dunno how will the marker mark my paper leh... Chiam liao Chiam liao....
Suay man... go in quite confident then come out very sianZ.... Well... only think i can do is to ask the marker how lor... hiaZ....

Tomolo is UID liao ... the subject that is NMM part2, so to speak. Also very sian one... i hope not much of definetion lor... cause all the terms are like the design terms, so its very chim lor... Sian lah... go study liao ... if not dunno how to define.

Yao~ Ciaoz
|4:46 PM|

Monday, August 02, 2004

Cham liao man, today the ECAD not very confident sia.... but already did my best liao man, so ... haha...
Now just had my dinner then looking at the MMPG lecture notes. Till now... still ok bah ... managed to get the meanings out. Hope the test will be smooth tomolo lo... That's the least i could wish myself. :P

Yao~ Ciaoz
|6:50 PM|

Study until quite sian now man... so thought of comming in here to write about something here... i find that here is another place other than msn where you can express what you are happy and not happy about to people whom you dun really wants them to know in case they are not happy about you or you dun wish them to apologise only because they saw what you have wrote... what i want is more of "Zhen Xin" abit lah ... cause if there is a need for you to tell those people who makes you angry that you are angry and wants something from them... its so fake man... hiaZ...

Really man... for those who is reading this... but i doubt so lah ... the term break so short and you have to finish 4 projects before going back to school man... serious... haha.... kk...

Yao~ Ciaoz
|4:15 AM|